Category Archives: Uncategorized

Half-life birthday

Today I am celebrating my half-life birthday, the 45th anniversary of my arrival on this planet. (I figure 90 years is a reasonably optimistic goal to aim for, and it’s not as though I’ll get in trouble if I actually overshoot it.) The number and the birthday itself don’t bother me; as a matter of fact, I find it rather exhilarating to think of myself at the top of a long, steep slope: the going should be easier from here on out because I’ll have gravity in my favor.

No, the real struggle I have is with the midlife crisis that settled in on me a while ago like a dense, enervating fog. The first stage, which I have dubbed “The Year of Living Regretfully,” was spent in exhaustive (and exhausting) retrospection and analysis. During this discouraging period, I examined nearly every decision I ever made and found that I did rather poorly in all but a handful of instances. (There are reasons this kind of experience ought to be reserved for the dying: it just about does you in, and after you’ve been through it, death seems like it would be a welcome relief.)

Recently, I seem to have undergone a mysterious seismic shift into a more energetic phase, which has both good and bad points. Instead of poring over past actions or pondering future possibilities, I find myself wrangling with a “Damn the torpedoes—full speed ahead!” mentality that verges on the dangerous. I spend enormous time and energy dissuading myself from all sorts of crazy-stupid actions. A part of me has reverted to invincible adolescence, leaving the rest of me to ride herd on a bewildering progression of bizarre impulses and cockamamie ideas, all of which seem unbearably attractive when they cross my mind.

Remember the long, steep slope I mentioned above, the proverbial hill that I have now crested? Today I have the most insane urge to let go of the brakes and hurtle toward the bottom, hell-bent for leather. I just hope my wiser self will prevail enough that I wear a helmet.

Giant spiders: one more reason I love fall

The other evening, while leaving the library after my writers group meeting, I saw my first Neoscona of the season. She had strung her web between two pine trees next to the parking lot and now hung quietly, beautifully waiting in the center. I was too far away to determine whether she was a crucifera or a domiciliorum, but I doubt I would have been able to get close enough to see in any case as Neoscona are quite shy.

Bedewed Neoscona web in my front yard

Neoscona are orb weavers, spiders who make beautiful, circular webs. The two species mentioned above are found throughout much of the eastern United States. Both are quite sizeable, 1/2 inch or more as adults, with large, round abdomens and distinctively striped legs. In the fall, females gamble that the risks of placing their webs more visibly will pay off in a greater catch of prey; they do not overwinter and will give their all to egg-laying, a la the eponymous heroine of Charlotte’s Web.

I first encountered Neoscona many years ago when I lived in New England. I was house-sitting and discovered that a huge spider had made her web across one of the bedroom windows. Pretty clever, I thought, as I stayed up quite late at night reading and the light was bound to attract a lot of bugs.

Inspired by a Native American story told me earlier that summer, I dubbed my fellow house-sitter Grandmother Spider and came to think of her as a kind of guardian. When strange noises in the unfamiliar house woke me late at night, I imagined her web as a dream catcher, with Grandmother Spider waiting in it to capture any malevolent thought or intruder.

http://cindydyer.wordpress.com/2008/08/30/out-came-the-rain-and/

Neoscona sp. (photo by Cindy Dyer)

I was delighted to discover Grandmother Spiders around my own home when I returned from house-sitting and have ever since considered them an omen of blessing and protection. I have watched them build their webs, discovered their hiding places, and marveled to see them take down all but the main anchor lines when it rains, like an old salt furling the sails or a woman taking in her laundry. Their striped legs remind me of brightly striped stockings, which always make me smile, and their appearance is a sure sign that the wheel of the year is turning again to my favorite season, fall.

Seeing that spider in her web the other night, I got into my car with a warm, safe feeling. “Good hunting, Grandmother,” I called to her as I drove away.

Update (22sep10): I found some beautiful photos of my Grandmother Spiders, including the one above, at Cindy Dyer’s blog. She tells a lovely story, complete with pictures, about a Neoscona she observed outside her studio in 2008: “How to frame a spider,” and “Out came the rain and…” Thanks, Cindy, for letting me share your eye for beauty (and your talent with a camera) in my post!

Tag, you’re it!

Thanks to another blogger I follow, Emily at Pajama Days, I have something to write about today. It seems that a popular form of spam-mail has made its way into the blogosphere: The List of Revealing and/or Amusing Personal Questions. In the e-mailverse you answer a series of questions about yourself and forward it to everyone you know. By this means we are all supposed to become better acquainted with one another, and I confess this has brought some surprising things to light about people I’ve known for years. In the blogosphere, you post your responses and invite readers to follow suit, asking them to post a comment with a link so you can read what they have written. Although I suppose the results are much the same, I find this version of the game far less intrusive and annoying, a kinder, gentler sort of chain letter, if you will.

So without further ado, here are my responses:

1. If you could have any superpower, what would you have? Why? Superpower? Heck, I’d be fall-on-my-knees-and-kiss-the-ground grateful to have ordinary powers.

2. Who is your style icon? Whoever dresses the mannequin at the Goodwill.

3. What is your favorite quote? Today it is: “Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.” (From an unidentified medical chart.)

4. What is the best compliment you’ve ever received? To the best of my current recollection, which is severely limited and fragmentary, it was last night at the dinner table. I prepared a new recipe for supper, and everyone at the table had seconds and exclaimed both how good it was and how much they liked it. (I am notorious for trying out new recipes on my long-suffering family with mixed — or worse — results.)

5. What playlist/cd is in your CD player/iPod right now? I don’t have a CD player or an iPod.  Recently the classical music station I used to listen to switched to an all-day talk format, so I don’t even listen to the radio much anymore.

6. Are you a night owl or a morning person? By nature I am a night owl, but by decree of the school corporation I follow the schedule of a morning person.

7. Do you prefer dogs or cats? At this point I prefer pet rocks.

8. What is the meaning behind your blog name? My reason for choosing the name is lost in the mists of the above-mentioned memory deficiency. Right now, I’d say it serves as a reminder that the principles of entropy and decay are ubiquitous and unrelenting. In other words, there’s not a damn thing any of us can do about them so we might as well make the best of it.

It seems pretty obvious to me that I inhabit an entirely different universe from most of my fellow bloggers. Nevertheless, I invite you, gentle reader, to take part in this little exercise in self-exploration, whether or not you choose to share it with me.

And now, for something completely atrocious…

My sister recently returned to me something I didn’t even know I had lost: the typed manuscript of the very first piece of serious creative writing I ever did. She had found it between the pages of an old piano lesson book, one of the John W. Shaum series my sisters and I all used when we studied piano several decades ago.

I must have passed the typed copy around my family for editing because it bears two typo corrections in my sister’s distinctively round handwriting and one very faint pencil marking in a fluid hand that can only belong to my mother. I don’t recall when I wrote the story, but, judging from the way it was typed, it must have been before I took Ms. Klein’s typing class in 10th grade. I would guess I was around 13 years old, after I had fallen in love with Poe and immersed myself in literature of the macabre and related genres.

As cliche-ridden and over-wrought as it is, I feel an urge to acknowledge it as my first serious attempt at writing fiction. No self-respecting publication would ever touch it (nor would I ask such a thing) but my blog, not being all that respectable, seems like a reasonable venue in which to present it. So here it is, without modification, for your amusement.

Hell Itself

She opened her eyes suddenly, not knowing what had awakened her. There it was again. Oppression. Evil. The weight of evil in the room.

She turned her head. It was late at night and the room was dark. But there, at the foot of the bed, was an even deeper Darkness. It moved slowly, slowly closer to her.

Coward, she thought. Coming in the night while I’m asleep. That’s Its way, all right. Getting Its victims in their sleep. Sniveling coward.

It perceived these thoughts and shrank back. See, It cringes at my criticism. The yellow pole-cat. At these thoughts, It leaned forward, snarling.

The sound was as the moan of tortured souls. The breath that drifted to her was putrid, reeking of decay and horror. A breath of air from Hell itself.

“You blind slave of evil. I am not afraid of you. I know that even you cannot harm me unless I fear. I don’t fear even your master and his domain.”

A horrid sound came from It, a sound like distorted and cruelly tortured laughter. It screamed, “Enter, foolish mortal, and BEWARE!!!” Again the hideous laughter. Then a great red chasm opened in It.

She sat up, but hesitated.

“What!” the voice shrieked, “you fear?!”

“No! I fear you not!” With this, she stepped into the cavernous hole.

Instantly she was caught up in a swirl of flames, heat, and smoke. She was hurled back and forth in this cyclone column of fire, knowing not in what direction or for how long. Finally, she was flung onto a ledge of black rock, the fiery pillar still roaring as far up and down as she could see.

As her eyes adjusted, she realized that she was lying in the mouth of a large cave. The rock was an unfamiliar type: hard, smooth, and cool, in spite of the swirling holocaust at its entrance.

She stood and walked farther in, through a winding passage. Gradually, so slowly that she didn’t notice, it got darker and darker. She realized with a start that she couldn’t see anything. Still she walked onward.

She began to hear a low murmur. As she walked on, the murmur became more distinct–it was no longer a rumble but individual cries of pain, fear, and anger.

She turned a corner in the passage and stopped just in time avoid plunging down a sheer cliff. Before her was a huge cavern filled with glowing, spectral faces. Each face had a look of such sorrow, pain, and anguish that she recoiled in horror.

But the moans of the tormented were not the only sounds in the chamber. As she looked, she could see winged creatures of fire hovering over the souls, lashing them with whips of ice.

As they struck the souls, they screamed in ecstasy. They lived for the sole purpose of inflicting pain on those unfortunate enough to be under them.

At every cry of pain, they lashed all the harder. There was a huge creature whose color was a morbid green. He was so large, she could see his vile yellow eyes.

And oh! such eyes! She abhorred them from the start. Her horror was so great upon setting her glance on him that she shrank back, hoping to hide herself from his piercing gaze in a depression in the wall.

Suddenly, even as she quailed there, the creature saw her, and shrieked his anger that a mortal should enter his region and not be punished. The horrible sound echoed until the rock trembled with it.

He leaped from his rock, and the others left their posts to join him. They flew, screaming, to the tunnel entrance. Horrified,she began running back into the passage.

None can imagine the terror of one being pursued through a cave by the demons of Hell. The echoing cries, the darkness ahead, the blundering into walls.

She came to the lip of the tunnel, with the swirling inferno before her. Without hesitation, she leapt into it. Once again she was thrown round in a flood of heat, smoke, and fire. On and on, around and around, in an endless circle.

She found herself on her bed, the bedclothes entwined about her, saturated with sweat. She sighed in relief, and lay there for a moment. She then realized that It was still there, strangely silent and unmoving.”Well, I’m still alive,” she gasped. It only sighed a breath of all-too-familiar air.

There was no tortured laughter, no screaming voices to mar the silence of the night. But It was moving, changing. The Darkness swirled slowly into a shape. A horrible shape with wings, sickly yellow eyes, and green flesh.

She screamed and tried to back through the wall. Those yellow eyes glowed, and the thing shrieked with fiendish delight. She shrank back, her eyes wild with fright, her mouth open with an eternal cry.

The creature leaned forward, screaming, with a hideous grin on its livid face. Then slowly, it raised its icy whip as if to strike….

The next day, she was found pressed against the wall, her eyes riveted to one spot in the room. Her mouth was open as if screaming, and her face was twisted with a look of uttermost horror. Upon finding her body, the constable in charge of the investigation commented, “She looks as if she’d seen Hell itself.”

Paw-paw time

green paw-paw

You know it’s fall when the paw-paws show up in the produce section.

Yes, you read that right: paw-paws, as in the children’s song:
Where in the world is dear little Susie?
Where in the world is dear little Susie?
Where in the world is dear little Susie?
Way down yonder in the paw-paw patch.

The paw-paw is a real fruit that grows on a plant native to North America. It has several tropical relatives, but our paw-paw grows in the eastern U.S. as far north as western New York.

ripe paw-paw (not a potato. really.)

Although botanically classified as berries, paw-paws are about two inches in diameter and four or five inches long, the size of a nice baking potato. A properly ripe paw-paw looks much like a baking potato, too – brown and blotchy like a banana that has gone too far even for bread. Eaten at this stage, paw-paws have a texture like custard and a sweet, slightly fermented flavor that is wholly unique but reminds one faintly of mangoes.

paw-paw seeds

The real trick to eating paw-paw is avoiding the large, flat seeds, which are a deep, glossy brown and very beautiful. (Some folks make jewelry out of them.) The seeds spiral throughout the fruit, making it difficult to cut up neatly. I start at one end and slice it crosswise every 1/3 inch or so, hoping to catch a seed with each slice.

Paw-paw is traditionally made into some kind of cold treat. According to several sources, chilled paw-paw was a favorite dessert of George Washington, and it’s often made into ice cream. I like it in smoothies, and usually freeze it for that purpose. This year I’m going to try it with a banana bread recipe, and one of these days I hope to make an old-fashioned paw-paw cream pie.

Although the fruits themselves don’t last too long, the fruiting season often goes into October, so I’m looking forward to a long, lovely fall filled with paw-paw.

Meatless spaghetti meat sauce

I read an article today about a woman looking for ways to make some of her cooking healthier. Her signature lentil soup, for instance, used sausage for flavor and texture, and it took a little ingenuity to come up with an acceptable substitution.

That got me thinking about a discovery I made many years ago when I was trying to reduce the amount of meat (and attendant fat) in the household diet. I was able to substitute lentils and ground poultry for sausage and hamburger in a number of recipes, but spaghetti sauce made with these instead of Italian sausage just tasted, well, anemic. Even if they had the right texture, the flavor wasn’t quite right.

To my immense disappointment, boatloads of garlic didn’t do it, though it did make us all very safe from vampires and people sitting next to us in public places. (I love garlic and generally subscribe to the belief that it’s not possible to have too much in any recipe. I have learned the hard way that not everyone shares my religious leanings on this.) Something was still missing.

I finally found that the one ingredient that separates Italian sausage from all other sausages, mild or hot, is fennel seed. I subsequently determined that adding fennel seed, lightly crushed with my mortar and pestle, made even meatless spaghetti sauce taste like, well, like meat sauce. Hearty and savory and rib-sticking good.

So there you have it: the greatest secret of my kitchen. And if you want to know real joy, grow your own fennel — it’s a beautiful plant (I recommend the bronze foliage variety) and is a preferred larval food for Black Swallowtail butterflies. Just be sure you harvest those seeds; it self-sows freely and sends down deep tap roots.

Black Swallowtail butterfly larva

Bon appetit and happy gardening!

Non compost mentis

A dear man I work with recently notified several people that he would be having minor surgery next week and would be “non compost mentis” for a few days thereafter. I have yet to determine if this was intentional (his British sense of humor is wonderfully wicked) or was merely fabulously Freudian. You see, this man is a gardener. And not a mere putterer with petunias, mind you, but the kind of gardener who passionately espouses (and actively promotes) the use of soil blocks.

(If you just opened a new tab to Google “soil blocks,” do not fret that this means you are not a serious gardener. It just means you are not quite as far gone as some of us.)

This same gardener revealed this spring that he had acquired chickens, which announcement was met with surprise by some (“Is that legal?”) and envy by others (me). Understandably besotted with his new feathered friends, he has attributed all mental lapses since then to a condition he calls “chicken brain.” As a fellow alektorophile (someone who loves chickens) I am both sympathetic and jealous. I wish I could have chicken brain!

As for being non compost mentis, I’m not sure whether that’s a good thing or not. In a strictly biological sense, a brain that is composting might well be decomposing. I believe mine has been doing that for some time now, the neural pathways so infrequently used that the rest of me hasn’t gotten the news that I’m actually brain-dead.

On the other hand, composting is a lively, fecund process by which otherwise-useless matter is broken down into its essential elements, which can then be put to some other use. It’s kind of nice to think that my brain might be re-purposed, that it might actually yield something that some other organism could find useful.

Silver linings

The last couple of weeks have been pretty monumental, in a lifetime landmark kind of way, even though they have unfolded somewhat uneventfully.

Two weeks ago, my eldest child completed his thirteenth trip around the sun on this planet. I am now the parent of a teenager, and I will be for the next nine and one-half years (the youngest won’t exit her teens until 2020 — ye gods, what a scary date!) For some mysterious reason, this milestone wasn’t quite as hard on me as the completion of his twelfth circuit last year; maybe it’s because he grew more than a foot in height during the past year, his shoes became large enough to double as lifeboats, and his voice changed. Dramatically. (We think he will end up singing bass.) The actual birthday had an afterthought-like quality to it: “Oh, and by the way, you are now the parent of a man-child.” No kidding! Have you seen my grocery bill?

That same week, my youngest went to sleep-away camp for the first time. Mind you, the eldest didn’t do that until about a month before, so for the ten-year-old to be ready for something like that is a Big Deal. (If you know them, however, you also know that it’s not surprising given their respective personalities.)

And today is the First Day of School, the first day of the last year in which I will have a child in elementary school. My SO helpfully reminded me of this while we were lying in bed trying to get our brains around the reality of once again getting up every morning at 6:00 a.m. I don’t know if he intended to be helpful or if he was wrestling with the concept himself and simply spoke his thoughts aloud. Clearly the notion caught my attention and triggered all sorts of other thoughts. And with my newly-restored hours of peace and quiet, those thoughts congealed enough to become this post.

Maybe this won’t be so weird or difficult after all.

Addams Family Moment

At some point during this morning’s swimming, I needed to leave the pool area. As I moved toward the gate, I got the children’s attention and told them, “I’m going to the ladies’ room. Don’t drown while I’m gone.”

Holding my gaze with a serious expression, my ten-year-old daughter solemnly intoned, “We can’t promise anything.” It was so exquisitely Wednesday Addams that I almost wept.

“Of course, dear,” I replied with a proud smile and tottered off as rapidly as my tightly wound beach towel would permit.

Celestial cha-cha

I’m a bit slow. I got an e-mail about Mercury heading into retrograde the same day that Eyjafjallajokull, the Icelandic volcano with the catchy name, erupted. That was 14 April – almost two weeks ago – and I only just now saw the coincidence. I’m probably the last person on the planet to realize this, but I must say that I haven’t run across anybody else making mention of it.

Because of the way everything moves in the solar system, from time to time some planets appear to travel backwards along their paths through the sky, a phenomenon known as retrograde motion. (Actually, they make a small loop or a z shape because of the angles of their orbital planes in relation to our own.)* Astrology interprets this little backtracking detour as a kind of reset: unexpected changes crop up in the areas influenced by the retrograde planet, changes that require us to rethink our approaches or suffer the consequences of trying to do business as usual in unusual circumstances.

Astrologically, Mercury is the planet that rules communication and travel. Mercury’s motion through our sky began the appearance of slowing a few days before it actually went retrograde on 18 April, and Eyjafjallajokull began erupting around the same time. I guess it should be no surprise that the latter’s ash plume wrought such havoc on air travel.

Some might cite this synchronicity as evidence that transportation authorities around the world ought to consult with astrologers more often, but I see it more as confirmation of the general truth behind the astrological understanding of retrogrades: every now and then we need to rethink the way we do things. If we view planetary retrogrades as periodic invitations to examine our assumptions in certain areas of our lives, how is that any worse than seeing the yearly return of spring as a prompt to thoroughly clean house?

From that perspective, maybe we could all benefit from paying a little more attention to astrology.

* For some great explanations of retrograde motion with graphics and cool composite photos, check out these sites:
http://cseligman.com/text/sky/retrograde.htm
http://www.lasalle.edu/~smithsc/Astronomy/retrograd.html