Tag Archives: children

Snow day

Today we have ice on top of the couple inches of snow that fell before the “warm” front moved through, so naturally school was closed. (Whatever.) That means the kids were home with me today, so we took advantage of this opportunity to get some holiday baking done: specifically, cookies for teacher gifts and classroom parties.

In two hours, we cranked out what my son very eloquently described as a “crapload” of cookies — 120-some, to be more exact. We only had to put four out of their misery: a reindeer with a broken leg, two maimed gingerbread men, and a decapitated angel. We will decorate them this evening, as they will be completely cooled by then.

Just as we finished baking, the doorbell rang and a several neighborhood kids invited them to play outside. After about an hour of chasing each other around, throwing ice at one another, and cleaning off my car (!), the boys flocked back inside to chase each other around imaginary worlds on the Ninetendo and throw virtual grenades at one another. (I detect a pattern here…) In addition to a symphony of surprisingly high-pitched shrieks, I just overheard the following dialogue:

M: I just have one question: why did we all die?
E: Because I blew us up.
M: Oh.
E: This time I promise to THROW the grenade.
[A moment later…]
Run away! Run away!

screenshot from GameSpyAhhh…there’s nothing like a houseful of 12- and 13-year-old boys. Good thing I put the cookies away before they came inside.

Pardon my lack of enthusiasm

Recently a friend asked me if I was getting excited about our upcoming vacation. I was a little surprised to be asked that; why should I get excited? What is there about a family vacation to get excited about? I shrugged my shoulders and said, “No.” He looked puzzled and mildly disappointed.

In reflecting on this exchange, which was clearly unsatisfying for both of us, I recognized some fundamental differences in our perspectives. As the primary breadwinner in his household, my friend holds down a full-time job at a place of business; when he goes on vacation, he doesn’t have to go to work. Whatever he does on vacation, it’s guaranteed to be entirely different from his usual daily/weekly routine.

When I go on vacation, my job comes with me. I still have to work, doing what I do every day. The setting and circumstances are different, but I’m still responsible for making sure people get up, get dressed, and get where they’re going on time. I still have to plan meals, even if I don’t prepare them or clean up after them. I still have to coordinate transportation and schedules, and I still have to enforce rules and arbitrate disputes.

This isn’t a bad thing; a change of scenery can be refreshing, as can a change in routine. But it hardly qualifies as “getting away from it all” when you bring most of it with you, now, does it?



Silver linings

The last couple of weeks have been pretty monumental, in a lifetime landmark kind of way, even though they have unfolded somewhat uneventfully.

Two weeks ago, my eldest child completed his thirteenth trip around the sun on this planet. I am now the parent of a teenager, and I will be for the next nine and one-half years (the youngest won’t exit her teens until 2020 — ye gods, what a scary date!) For some mysterious reason, this milestone wasn’t quite as hard on me as the completion of his twelfth circuit last year; maybe it’s because he grew more than a foot in height during the past year, his shoes became large enough to double as lifeboats, and his voice changed. Dramatically. (We think he will end up singing bass.) The actual birthday had an afterthought-like quality to it: “Oh, and by the way, you are now the parent of a man-child.” No kidding! Have you seen my grocery bill?

That same week, my youngest went to sleep-away camp for the first time. Mind you, the eldest didn’t do that until about a month before, so for the ten-year-old to be ready for something like that is a Big Deal. (If you know them, however, you also know that it’s not surprising given their respective personalities.)

And today is the First Day of School, the first day of the last year in which I will have a child in elementary school. My SO helpfully reminded me of this while we were lying in bed trying to get our brains around the reality of once again getting up every morning at 6:00 a.m. I don’t know if he intended to be helpful or if he was wrestling with the concept himself and simply spoke his thoughts aloud. Clearly the notion caught my attention and triggered all sorts of other thoughts. And with my newly-restored hours of peace and quiet, those thoughts congealed enough to become this post.

Maybe this won’t be so weird or difficult after all.

Baseball is upon us

Yes, I am a baseball fanatic–not a mere “fan.” I’m one of those crazy people who understands why Benjamin Sisco keeps a baseball on his desk in Star Trek: DS9. I actually believe all the mystical mumbo-jumbo in every baseball movie ever made. I own not one but TWO decks of baseball-themed tarot cards: The Tarot of Baseball and The Baseball Tarot. (If anyone knows of others, please let me know.) Now that we live near Cincinnati, my Mother’s Day gift is tickets to see my beloved Reds.

Both my kids are in their fourth year of Little League baseball. Last year they fell into the same age division and were thus on the same team. This offers clear and compelling (to me) evidence of the existence of the gods of baseball: having only one team schedule to follow left me time to grapple with some serious health issues I was facing.

This year the older child has moved up into the highest age division, the major league, while the younger child remained in the minor league. This means that, between practices and games for the two teams, I can count on one hand the number of days each month we will NOT be at the ballpark.

Both teams have played their season openers, and both won. Hurray! I have now logged the first four of 75+ hours (not counting the playoffs) I will spend on unforgiving aluminum bleachers, eating hotdogs and giant pretzels, rain or shine. I feel ridiculously and unaccountably euphoric.

It’s baseball season. And I’m in heaven.

Thank the baseball gods.

When life gives you nuts…

I really dislike bumper nuts—you know, those chrome or plastic imitation scrota designed to dangle beneath the rear end of a truck or SUV. If you have never seen these bizarre accessories, consider yourself lucky. (Someone who feels the need to drive an oversized vehicle and give it genitalia is clearly overcompensating for something.) You can look them up on the internet; if they seem appallingly tasteless on a web site, you should see them in traffic.

I do, however, owe a reluctant debt of parental gratitude to these insignia of insecurity, or at least to one in particular. While sitting at a red light, my children and I were admiring a souped-up sedan in the lane next to us. As the light turned and the car pulled away from us, my ten-year-old son spotted something large and shiny swinging below the rear bumper.

“What’s that hanging off the back?” he asked. I laughed to buy some time, took a deep breath, and answered, “Those are supposed to represent testicles.” Silence filled the car.

“You know what testicles are,” I prompted. A glance in the rear view mirror was not reassuring. Their faces wore expressions of mild puzzlement and deep suspicion. Oh, geez, I thought with dismay, I know we’ve talked about this stuff before! Trying not to appear flustered, I launched into what I hoped was a matter-of-fact description of testicles. After a few sentences, my seven-year-old daughter’s face brightened.
“Oh, you mean balls!” she exclaimed.

“Uh, yes,” I sputtered, caught off guard, then added weakly, “I didn’t realize you knew that term.” A chorus of “Duh!” from the back seat dissolved the tension, and I attempted to reclaim the intellectual high ground by emphasizing the correct medical terminology. That brought “weenie,” “boobs,” and “butt” into the conversation as further examples of slang terms for body parts.

Suddenly self-conscious about where his question had led, my ten-year-old slumped in his seat and buried his face in a large book. Never one to shy away from sensitive topics, his sister pressed on with all kinds of questions, and we had our most detailed sexual information talk to date. I swear I looked in the rear view mirror and saw my son’s ears appear around the edges of his book as he strained to hear every word. All my nervous preparation for a “teachable moment” just like this was finally paying off, and by the time we got home I felt like Supermom!

Call me ungrateful, but I still really dislike bumper nuts.

A word to the wise

Things a man should never say when arguing with the mother of his children (Part 1 of an occasional series)

You don’t know the sacrifices I’ve made for this family.

This is not to say that he hasn’t made sacrifices, because he most certainly has. Without a doubt he’s made a lot of sacrifices that no one knows about, which means that those same sacrifices have gone unrecognized. If these words ever come out of a man’s mouth, there is no question that he is not getting the appreciation he needs. So why shouldn’t he say this?

Reason #1: Childbirth. Unless his sacrifices included wearing a 30-pound pack strapped to his abdomen for six months AND passing a kidney stone the size of a baseball, he’s got nothing. And that’s not even considering any complications during pregnancy or delivery. He REALLY doesn’t want to get into that kind of pissing contest with her. In fact, if he’s used this line in an argument and his wife hasn’t verbally laid him out cold, he’s either married to an idiot or a saint; it’s pretty hard to resist delivering that kind of sucker punch.

Reason #2: Actually, the need for further reasons is completely obviated by Reason #1.

All’s fair

Today I ran afoul of that strange and arcane system siblings use to make certain things are “fair.” Around our house there are weekly chores that are usually done on the weekend: cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming, etc. This being a long (holiday) weekend, we played all day Saturday and Sunday, which means we left the weekly chores until today. We actually played most of today, too, until a late afternoon trip to the grocery store heralded the end of holiday time and our return to the ordinary time of our daily lives.

After putting away the groceries, I reminded the children of their chores and went to put out the garbage and recycling for tomorrow’s collection. Resolved to get several large, empty cardboard boxes into the recycling bin, I was hacking away at them with my matte knife when my son came out and announced that he needed me to come because the vacuum cleaner wasn’t working.

“Can it wait for a few minutes?” I asked, slashing with gusto. The answer was no; he had to do his vacuuming right now.

“Can you do something else for — oh, I don’t know — ten minutes?” I tried again more pointedly. Couldn’t he see that it was unwise to exasperate someone armed with such a dangerous implement?

“I can’t think of anything,” he replied. I rolled my eyes, then was struck with inspiration.

“I know,” I said brightly, “you can bring out the bag of recycling from the kitchen.” He shook his head.

“I took out the garbage this morning,” he explained, adding that his sister would therefore have to take out the recycling. Irritated, I nearly launched into a lethal rant about how it didn’t matter who did what and he should do it just because it needed to be done. I caught myself, however, remembering that such things are matters of extreme gravity among siblings.

“Fine,” I said. “Send her out.” A few minutes later my daughter came out with the bag of kitchen recycling. She cheerfully dumped it into the bin and hopped on her skateboard.

“Whoa there,” I caught her at the top of the driveway. “Are you finished with your chores?”

“Everything but vacuuming,” was the glib reply.

“Finish your chores first, then you can play until supper,” I admonished. She explained that she couldn’t because it was her brother’s turn to vacuum first. Never mind that we have two vacuum cleaners (one of them an ancient but very functional heirloom Electrolux); it simply wasn’t her turn.

“You better have everything done before supper,” I said darkly.

“I will!” she replied as she sailed down the driveway and banked onto the sidewalk. I put the recycling bin on the curb, then went to rescue my son so the wheels of domestic industry could start turning once again. (Turned out the vacuum wasn’t plugged in.)

Stealth grief

My first-born turns twelve this week, and I realized today that I’m having a hard time with that. In retrospect, it’s clear now that I’ve been having difficulty with it for several weeks — all sorts of random and dissociated behavior suddenly makes sense.

I found myself weeping this morning, inconsolably wracked with a grief that I didn’t see coming. I recognize it now that it’s swallowed me: something I cherish with every fiber of my being is passing away, and the pain of that loss is immeasurable. Once again the excruciating process of parenting has cracked me open, spilling my soul and leaving a hollow place for something new to grow. I wouldn’t stop it even if I could, but that doesn’t mean it’s a pleasant experience.

Why now, and so suddenly? I don’t know, but I’m quite certain it has far more to do with me than with my son. The changes will continue to find us gradually, as they have from the moment he was conceived. Something within me has shifted, though, and that difference is what grieves me most.

Nothing has ever kindled such fierce joy in me as mothering this boy; what if mothering a young adult, a young man, requires me to let go of that? I will do so without hesitation if needed, but I refuse to dishonor such an amazing experience by pretending that it costs me nothing to relinquish.

It seems as though I’m not giving up much ferocity after all. I suppose I will just have to trust that the joy will take care of itself.

Untapped potential

The new cat had decided she likes to sharpen her claws on the box springs of my bed. To discourage this, I applied the extra-wide double-sided tape that pet stores sell for this purpose. (Several chairs in our living room sport similar decoration because of the claw-sharpening proclivities of one of our other cats.) Although Fluffy has stopped clawing the bed, now she licks the tape. Very weird, but I don’t see how it can damage the box springs.

The other day my daughter wanted to watch TV in our room, but I told her no because I had washed the sheets and hadn’t put them back on the bed yet. She offered to do it for me if I would let her watch TV in the bedroom. My mama didn’t raise no fool, so I agreed. When I finally crawled in for the night, it was late and I was grateful that I didn’t have to make the bed first. I did note, however, that the edge of the sheet closest to the head of the bed had a narrow hem rather than the wide hem that indicates the top edge.

When I investigated in the morning, I found not only that my daughter had placed the wide-hemmed top of the sheet at the foot of the bed, but that she had also failed to tuck it in. My SO moves quite a lot in his sleep, so I was surprised that the sheet had stayed in place. I found out why when I tried to lift the end of the sheet to tuck it in: it was firmly stuck to the tape on the box springs. I laughed so hard I sat down on the floor, then decided to leave it because I liked the way it looked.

I’ve been considering the untapped interior design potential of double-sided tape: dust ruffles, place mats, table runners, antimacassars — the sky’s the limit!

Surprise pie

My son, who is my first-born, is full of surprises. Because he is a sweet and gentle soul, they are most often joyful surprises, for which I am daily thankful.

A couple weeks ago, he surprised me by announcing that he wanted to bake a pie. It turns out he had promised a baseball teammate a pie if the team won their next game, which they did. He now had to make good on that promise and wanted to go on-line to look for a recipe.

Once the first blush of amazement wore off, I suggested that he start with the dozens of cookbooks on the kitchen shelves, several of which are devoted solely to desserts. By the next day he had found a recipe that suited his fancy and was eager to go to the grocery store for the ingredients.

“Why don’t we see what we already have?” I suggested. He read off the list of ingredients and together we located most of them in the kitchen cupboards. We made our shopping list, including some ingredients that we had but not in sufficient quantities, and headed off to the store.

Thanks to a persistent illness that I’ve been fighting for a couple months, I was worn out by the shopping expedition. (My very enthusiastic and slightly hyperactive shopping assistants no doubt contributed to my fatigue as well.) I had to take a nap. But pie stops for no man, so we did a verbal walk-through of the recipe before I lay down on the couch in order to be available for baking consultations. Thankfully, I remembered to suggest that it’s always a good idea to place a cookie sheet under the pie in case it spills over a bit during baking.

The pie-making proceeded without incident. I hazily recall being roused to near consciousness a couple times to pronounce my blessing on the pie-in-process before I finally woke to the delicious aroma of brownie pie baking. The pie had been removed from the oven and the wisdom of my protective cookie sheet advice was loudly acclaimed, as the pie had evidently spilled over. Both kids were in the kitchen munching on the overflow and exclaiming how good it was. They even brought me some to taste, and I found it very good indeed.

Sometime later, I entered the kitchen myself to see this glorious confection. Most of the pie filling had bubbled out of the shell, leaving only a layer of brownie slightly thicker than the crust. (A post-mortem of the preparation revealed that a bit too much baking powder had been used.) No wonder the kids had been so thrilled eating the overflow! I thanked whatever guardian angel had prompted me to suggest the cookie sheet beneath the pie, shuddering at the horrendous oven cleaning I had so narrowly missed. We left for vacation two days later, having cleaned up all the cooking pans and dishes.

Fast forward to today and the inspiration for this posting: the penetrating odor of burnt sugar. We turned the oven on to preheat for a quick and lazy frozen pizza lunch and opened it several minutes later to dark, acrid clouds and the wail of the kitchen smoke detector. Once the haze had cleared, we discovered that my son had placed the cookie sheet on the rack below the one that held the pie rather than directly under the pie itself, so giant globs of overflow had baked onto the wires of the top rack.

So now the oven has been thoroughly cleaned, which is a wonder in itself, and the surprises of parenting just keep unfolding.