NaPoWriMo (National Poetry Writing Month) may be over, but I’m still in a writing groove. This is the second draft of a poem I wrote a couple weeks ago; I’d love to have hear your responses or suggestions.
Stars
he said he would die
for the stars in her eyes
too young to know what
a slow death it would be
death by taxes and bills
ten-hour workdays and one
a.m. feedings death by weddings
funerals and family reunions
emptied through that lengthy
dying we call life
his last breath is a prayer
for the stars in her eyes
(If you like to work from specifics, how does the space in the third line of the second stanza work? I originally had a semi-colon; do you think that would be better?)
The Daily Compost 
I was confused by the space at first, but now I quite like the idea. It makes you take a breath before continuing reading. Or was there a different reason for the space?
It’s supposed to be a break, like a breath, so I’m glad it worked that way. But it’s not supposed to be confusing. Maybe it would it be less confusing if it were a comma instead (that would make it more clearly a continuation of the list). Or I could use an em-dash — a long dash with spaces on each side. Thanks so much for commenting. I really appreciate your feedback! 🙂
Making the reader stop and think can be a good thing though – it stopped me rushing through the poem.