Tag Archives: divorce

On truth and fiction

A friend recently told me about something odd that once happened to her in a writing class. The assignment was an exercise in showing rather than telling: write a short piece in which one character discovers that his or her spouse is having an affair, without anyone explicitly saying so. Inspired by a comment the instructor made to a male student in the class, my friend wrote a piece in which a man finds out that his wife’s involvement with her business partner, another woman, extends beyond the strictly professional.

After this piece was read as part of the class critique process, my friend says that her classmates assumed she must be a lesbian and hit on her steadily until the end of the semester — men and women alike. As it happened, my friend was newly divorced and not interested in a relationship with anyone of any gender or orientation, so this was an especially annoying development. The experience further made my friend extremely cautious about sharing her writing within a group of any kind — what if she wrote about a character who was a serial killer or a user of illegal drugs? Who knows what kind of crazy things her fellow writers might assume about her!

I told her I always assume that everyone is bisexual, though I prefer the term ambisextrous (it sounds less clinical and more fun). I figure I can’t go wrong — I’m neither surprised nor caught in an awkward position when someone expresses or reveals a sexual preference. She found this delightfully funny, and I hope it reassured her that not everyone leaps to judgment about an author, especially when it comes to fiction.

I didn’t ask her how long ago or where this happened, though clearly it didn’t take place during her undergraduate days at a respected southern Bible college. Nevertheless I was startled that students in this day and age (relatively speaking) would draw a conclusion like that from such scant and flimsy evidence. I was even more surprised that students in a fiction writing class, of all places, would imagine such a direct correlation between an author and the details of her writing.

My non-literal way of reading must be even further out of the mainstream than I realized. Maybe all the hysteria surrounding Harry Potter or The DaVinci Code, for example, accurately reflects the state of the American mind rather than the lunatic fringe. If so, then perhaps the educational system aimed a bit wide of the mark in the late 20th century with its focus on standardized testing and quantifiable results. Public responses to literary offerings may be a far more informative measure of educational success than grade point averages and test scores.

NOT the easy way out

While doing dishes with me one evening last week, my SO asked about friends of ours who are going through a divorce. I related what non-confidential information I had, and he turned back to the sink, shaking his head, and said, “Boy, she sure didn’t make things any easier for herself, did she?”

I froze in disbelief and my eyebrows shot up so far that they disappeared into my hairline. The water was running and he had his back to me, so he wasn’t aware of my immediate, unfiltered reaction. I bit my tongue and counted to ten in my head, very, very slowly. Finally I spoke, carefully and evenly: “She didn’t leave him to make things easier for herself, you know. She left because she wasn’t able to live in that situation any longer.” He seemed to consider this for a moment, then nodded agreeably.

That comment has lingered in my mind ever since. In each of the four couples we know who are recently divorced or divorcing, the woman has been at home for six years or more, caring for children who are now in elementary school. In three of the four couples, the woman is the one who initiated the divorce. No woman chooses to leave the only source of financial support she and her children have in order to make her life easier. In truth, the suddenly single woman with young children who has been out of the workforce for several years faces a daunting, uphill ordeal to secure even the most basic living requirements; the fact that she finds this path the lesser of two evils speaks volumes about how difficult she found her marriage to be.

The persistence in our society of this perspective on stay-at-home mothers boggles the mind, and its casual articulation by my own partner is a bit disconcerting. Parenting ain’t for sissies, under any circumstances. Single parenting by agonized choice requires a level of courage and purpose that makes serving in the Marines look like a walk in the park.

Unsettling trends

This past week I found out that one of my friends is getting divorced and another is expecting another baby. Among the people I know, that makes four divorces in less than two years and at least six new babies (I’ve lost track — it seems that every time I turn around someone else is pregnant). When I shared these bits of news with my SO, he first responded with sorrow and wry surprise, respectively, then grew thoughtful.

“That’s scary,” he finally said.

“What’s scary?” I asked.

“All of it,” he replied. I nodded, aware that fear lay coiled, dormant and unvoiced, in the back of my mind: Could it happen to us? Could we be standing at the edge of a precipice and not even know it?

What seems sudden and unexpected to onlookers, however, may not be so surprising to participants, especially where a dissolving marriage is concerned. All four of those marriages showed some signs of stress, but what marriage doesn’t? Only the individual partners knew the toll that stress took on them; to the rest of us — maybe even to one another — it looked as though they were coping as best they could. Surely they had some sense that they were nearing the end of their resources, even if they didn’t let on to those around them.

But what if they didn’t? What if they simply found themselves one day on the wrong side of an invisible boundary, beyond which there was no hope of returning? Perhaps it is only in retrospect that anyone can point to a moment, a choice, an event and say, “There’s the straw that broke the camel’s back.”

Thus the unvoiced fear moves in its sleep, mumbling incoherent anxieties.